This wasn't the story in my case. Not this year. As Thanksgiving day seemed to have crept upon me, so did the small reminder that this would be the first holiday that our family would "celebrate" without dad. When dad passed away over a month ago, it was one of the first thoughts that cascaded through my brain. Yet, that's where it stayed; in the back of my head, ignored.
The first week of November went by with the thought of Thanksgiving a light whisper. Weightless enough to be easily pushed aside.
The second week was not as courteous. Leaving weak, yet firm, reminders of holiday schedules and holiday sales.
The third week was surprisingly okay due to the constant rush and excitement of soon to come vacations.
However, the fourth week...was merciless. With only three days left before Thanksgiving day, the air filled with tell-it-all plans. From travel, to family members, all the way down to dessert. These harmless conversation starters filled my head with hot lava. I suddenly felt claustrophobic in an abandoned lobby. I was waiting for the clock to show five just to have the relief of going home. Home...where there is no one to breath poisonous holiday greetings into my blood stream.
But...that was the thing....there was no one.
It felt okay, there at the beginning. It was nice to not have to flaunt the smile that I recently have had to continuously remind myself to reapply again and again. It was a restful night. Peaceful. To a degree.
The next day...November 25th. November 25th...just the sound of the date seemed to be tattooed to my brain stem. It seemed thick and heavy...what was I forgetting? Deadline? Birthday? Anniversary?
November 25, 1981. The day that my mother and father were wed. It was their anniversary.
...anniversary
...anniversary
...anniversary
It was an echo that sounded sharper every time it bounced back through the air.
Anniversary: A celebration commemorating such a date. (Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
Death seems to censor other company and make us feel alone. To think that an anniversary, a day meant to be a beautifully charming memory that sends you floating back to the day you were excited to share the rest of your life with someone, can morph into an empty house and a tear soaked pillow. Those words seem to display a duel meaning now....anniversary, celebration. A song that is heard all over the world can turn into a song that no one sings.
Normally at this point, you can make it through the day by telling yourself that it will be easier tomorrow and that the day is almost done. It's hard to look forward to the end of the day if you know there is only more heartache to rise with the sun.
My November 26, 2009 didn't start until it was almost time for Thanksgiving meal. I dragged my feet down the stairs trying to wake up before I had to greet the 15 - 20 relatives that were yearly regulars.
It wasn't exactly like that this time around.
With chairs around the TV, I enjoyed a huge Thanksgiving feast with my family...which included of mom, ONE of my siblings, plenty of empty chairs, and myself. The empty seats had more inappropriate over dinner jokes than we did. The thick lack of presence came with short glances and brought the power to share the thoughts that none of us wanted to speak.
It wasn't this overwhelming depressing event, at all. It was...the awkward side of strange. Like when you were younger and got all worked up about pajama day, but when you showed up to school, bunny slippers included, you found that you missed the cancellation memo. For the rest of the day you felt singled out in overpopulation because you are the only one. This contradicting feeling is the awkward side of strange.
November 26, 2009: Thanksgiving Taboo (Source: JKM Dictionary)
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My Thanksgiving Thanks List:
- For having a place to go. "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28
- For small reminders. "Be strong and courageous...for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
- For a nearby hero. "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
- For the greater plan. "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28
- For godly stubbornness. "The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again." Proverbs 24:16
- For a walking buddy. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4
- For the silver spoon. "And God is able to make all grace abound to you." 2 Corinthians 9:8
- For strength within. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
- For a detailed map. "Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:6
- For true comfort. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
- For hope. "...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
- For an eternal father. "See how very much our Father loves us, for He calls us His children, and that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1
- For power in weakness. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
- For having no true excuses to worry. "Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7
- For tolerance. "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair..." 2 Corinthians 4:8
No matter how things turned out, I thank GOD for my family and His word. When my human decisions become mistakes, when I can't take back the things that I've said, when my failures become comfortably familiar, when I break a promise, when I'm too late, when I think that the only way to be accepted is to be unacceptable, when I'm too weak to stand, when I'm too tough for my own good, when I forget to be grateful for being granted today...my ETERNAL FATHER will always be there to accept me...just as I am.
And for that...I am thankful.
I love you..... you are talented, beautiful, funny and never, ever alone!
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